Just finished going through "Miracle and Magic: A Study in the Acts of the Apostles and the Life of Apollonius of Tyana" by Andy M. Reimer for my research paper. There are lots of interesting leads to other texts about miracles and magic during the Late Antique period. I took note of them and look forward to reading them one day for my dissertation.

I am feeling a bit more confident today about grad school, although I did read an article about a woman who graduated with a PhD in medieval literature who is struggling to support herself by taking several adjunct positions at different academic institutions. It wasn't a pretty picture. She races around from one class at one location to another in order to support herself as well as repay her student loans and credit card debt. I wonder if I should take some time out to get my own credit card debts paid so that I can concentrate more on my studies instead of being distracted by the thought of bills looming over my head. On the other hand, I've been doing a little bit of thinking about teaching and was even a bit excited about the prospect of conducting a class. I'm all for interactive learning and have devised some ideas about how I would conduct my class to get students thinking and participating about the topic. I'm still uneasy about it, but at least there is now a bit of excitement mixed in with the feeling instead of dread. I also read a bit about lecturing at a university. Instead of trying to squeeze a whole lot of information into each class, the goal is to introduce three main ideas. That seems doable to me and a whole lot less intimidating!

I've been having some doubts about whether I can actually finish grad school. It seems more intense than at the undergraduate level and I just have so many distractions. Not all of them are bad and some of them are necessary, such as housework, cooking and looking after the puppy when C is at work. I'm worried that I won't be able to finish the program. It's a major concern since it will involve a large commitment of time and money. Even if I was able to get a fellowship or some form of stipend, it is still an investment of money on the part of others and that is something that I take very seriously. The only way that I can see myself completing it, is if I were to study on a part-time basis. I doubt that I would qualify for any fellowships at that point, since it would appear to others that I am not taking my studies seriously.

I wasn't able to get any of my research done these past few days either. I guess that is why I am feeling pessimistic. It is really difficult to balance time unless I get up earlier than B and C. C's schedule doesn't make it any easier. Since he gets up a 2 pm or later on his days off, that means that errands and chores we had scheduled to do together involving stores and daylight are rushed. By the time we get home, I am usually tired. If I have enough energy to do anything, I usually cook dinner for us. When that is done, I clean up. By the time I am done, it is usually really late and so I spend some time with C before going to bed at 4ish since that is when he goes to bed. Of course, I could always go to bed earlier, say, at 12 am so that I could get up at 8 am, but then I wouldn't have really gotten to spend any quality time with C and I feel that that isn't the way I would like to live my life. Life is about connecting with others and not just about grades. Sometimes I forget this and let my drive for high grades take over my life. When this happens, I neglect the people that make up my world and let my home fall apart around me. But when I reflect on it, I realize that it would be a sad world to live in if there was no connection between family and friends. It is what makes life worth living.

I guess I should really blog a bit more, just to get into the habit of putting my thoughts down. It seems a good idea, especially since I am interested in pursuing a PhD. Yesterday I spent some time reading about how to study history and about how to conduct a research. I learned how to conduct research in high school, but it has been many years, so a refresher was good. As for learning how to study history, no one ever really sat down to teach me how to study history. History books are so jammed packed with information that I get really caught up in the details and sometimes lose sight of the larger picture, so I thought that maybe I was missing a studying technique. Turns out that it is normal to read an article a few times before really grasping the ideas--what a relief! Before, I thought that I was just really dense or something!

It also turns out that I am not alone in how I conduct research. That is, I spend lots of time reading and collecting quotes and not as much time writing the paper. I hope that blogging and putting my thoughts down will become a habit so that I will become more prolific and fluent in my writing.

On another, but related note, I am leaning more towards studying history. I enjoy art history, but I am not sure if I want to analyze the development of art as much as I would like to learn about the culture of the Middle Ages. Right now I am thinking about magic and miracles in late antiquity. I think it might be a good and interesting topic for a dissertation too. The earlier period of the Middle Ages is the most intriguing for me since it is a period of great change. The development of Christianity defines the period we call the Middle Ages and a whole culture revolved around this religion. Apart from Egypt and her pyramids, I can't think of any other culture that devoted a unique and pervasive building type to religion as the Christian churches and cathedrals. Not only that, but these buildings formed the center of many new and growing towns and cities being established in Europe during that time. Like Egyptian culture (which I also find really interesting; I was thinking of becoming an Egyptologist at one time), it is a monumental culture that is intensely interesting to study no matter what the topic: religion, art, literature, music, history, etc.